How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
