I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
it hurts more in the daytime
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
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