I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize