I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
