i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
