You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Randomize
