guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
