I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
