i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I am spending my child support on dildos
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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