i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
