Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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