I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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