i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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