You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
