WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
