i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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