On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I have post one night stand depression
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
