I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
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But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
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Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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