It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
