if you like me you must not know who I am
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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