____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
