Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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