im six kinds of drunk right now
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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