So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
