i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
