The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
