As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize