she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Randomize
