I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
