Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
