"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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