i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
