I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
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You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
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What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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