I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
