There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
