I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
