im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
