Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
