Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
