hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Mom said you looked used
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
