Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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