Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
