anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
