I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
