im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
