When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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