I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
