This is not my ceiling
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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