my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
This is the prime rib incident all over again
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
how drunk are you?
Several
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
