I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
