I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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