Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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