its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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