I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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