I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
