listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
