peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
