my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Randomize
