Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
