you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize