remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
